Are you searching for God’s voice, a Presence, or a reconciliation to your faith? Do you feel totally and completely alone? Have you lost your direction, or do you simply desire to find passion in something; anything? Do you have regrets? Do you struggle to share your feelings with the people you love? Do you know, deep within your Spirit, that you already have the answers you need but feel stuck, afraid, or incapable?
This young fifteen year old teenager felt that way. Her words, published below, are an illustration into the heart and spirit of many. Late at night, after her parents had already gone to bed, she quietly snuck downstairs to her mother’s office and wrote. And cried. And poured out her heart. The next morning, her mother went down to her office to find an empty box of Kleenex and scattered tissue’s on the desk.
As she opened her laptop, what you are about to read was displayed across her screen.
“Why can’t I be happy anymore? Why do I always try to love someone? Why can’t I face my sins and renew my relationship with Christ? I want to have a passion, a healthy passion.
I want to be good at something. I want to make my parents proud, but not just “you’re my child and I will always love you” proud. I want “you have accomplished something” proud. I want to look at myself in the mirror and see a girl who knows who she is. I want to be confident in where I’ll go when I die. I don’t want to waste A SINGLE DAY! They say I’ll be able to do something about it when I am 16 and have a license and money, but.. what if I don’t make it there? What if I never have time to be who I want to be? I’ll never give up, but I am still scared. I have never been so afraid of time… I have so many regrets, that I wish I didn’t have.
Why didn’t I ever talk to my brother when our life was crashing? Why didn’t I show more love towards my sister instead of hiding in my own pain. Why don’t I tell my dad how much I love him every day, and how much I appreciate my mom. I know what everyone will say to me. It’s just like going through the motions. It’ll all be okay, don’t give up, time will heal it, keep trying, you’re too hard on yourself, I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE WILL SAY. BUT ITS NOT WHAT I NEED. I need to do this on my own. But, I don’t know where to start, and God won’t help me!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Where am I, I lost myself. I forgot how to let things go, and just… be happy. I don’t have time to sit back and wait, people are always saying not to have regrets. But, mine keep multiplying, growing in my heart, and taking over my mind. I don’t know how to tell people what I am feeling. Nobody seems have the words to save me, from this.. thing that’s slowly changing who I am. I know who I want to be, and I aspire to do with my life. But, I can’t keep waiting for passion to start. I want to be done being afraid and feeling alone. Alone… that word seems to hurt people. I am not alone because I have no one; I am alone because I don’t allow myself to believe that I am not alone.
If I could go anywhere right now, in this moment. I would go punch something. I would throw my rage out, and become helpless, and tired. I want to be weak, so that I can be strong again. But, I know that I am still fighting. I am fighting for something that is so easy to find. I don’t know what’s stopping me.”