Self-Loathing is an insult to who you are – You are highly valued!
I can remember all of my failures and mistakes as if they were happening in this exact moment, each time I am disappointed. Every failed effort is coupled by past failed efforts and it’s as if they feed off one another in a frantic game of Hungry Hippo. Logically, I know where my value is and that mistakes only lead to great growth and new opportunities, but in that moment; that exact moment – I am totally void of the ability to gain control. The perpetual cycle of poor me is a dance I do quite well.
I used to stay in the game for long periods of time, chomping at every bit of excuse and self-loathing as if it were my life line to some warped reality of survival. Before I knew it, I wasn’t just playing with my own insecurity and lack of worth, I was accusing others of theirs. Surely, my failures weren’t just my own and someone could have done something to help me. Then, the isolation would break out. The little white balls of fear were eaten all up, the board game sat cold and lonely, and I too began to break into a proverbial cage of leave me the hell alone. I’d stay there for days.
Eventually I’d toss the game into a dark corner, my pity party escalated into screw it all. The giving up of all the hard work I’d put in to achieve something. Anger, that sweltering hot house of madness, seeped in and I met it like an old friend; the kind who offers you drugs on a street corner and tempts you because it’s free and well, no one else is looking anyway. Just do it. Just give up. What’s the point of trying again anyway?
What began as an unmet success, a missed opportunity, a mistake, or even an unmet expectation I’d had of something or someone soon became the definition of myself. Instead of the situation becoming a lesson towards greater good or the overcoming of something to reach an even better opportunity ahead; I allowed my lack of value and self-worth to beat me into submission.
Through the years, I’ve played the game less and less, and the old battered and beaten Hippo’s have learned that I don’t care if I eat all the white marbles of mistakes and disappointments. I can even laugh at a few now, because the truth is … it’s a game that is never won all the way.
Failure hurts. Disappointments are painful. Un-met expectations are hard. But they don’t define us. When I’ve learned to play the game with my value, taking into account who I truly am and what it is about me that has the courage to keep moving forward; I’ve already won.
I don’t isolate. I don’t blame. I don’t self-sabotage. I see the mistake or the failure for what it is, play around with it for a minute to learn what I need to learn, and then realize that all great things begin somewhere … somehow, again and again and again.
Put the Hippo of Self-Hate away. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but remember that your mistakes and especially those missed opportunities or un-met expectations you had, well, they don’t define your value or who you are. It’s in the way you grow from it. It’s how you reach back out. Your efforts, in the trying of success, are a gold-mine of inspiration and opportunity.
Compelled to reply with the following: “Hello God, it is me Kris. I get it now. This is what you wanted me to figure out. Thank you.” I say this for the sheer fact that this topic has become an integral part of 4 separate conversations with 4 separate different people in one form or another over the past week. I will admit I have been critical of those close to me that “play the victim”. I understood the reasons why they did, I empathized, sympathized, supported and loved these people, thinking that it would be enough to help them get to a healthier place. What I was not seeing was the “self-loathing” that was/is causing the behavior and keeping my friends/family from, for lack of a better term, forgiving those that have wronged them or themselves for the wrongs they felt they had committed. We all have issues, we all have pity parties, we all make mistakes, we all feel guilt, shame, fear and regret. In those dark places, it is easy to shut down, lash out, wallow in misery. What is hard, but ever so rewarding is instead of blaming others, to make one small change, something, anything, to improve the situation, not for them but for us. I preached in my house, “Stop complaining and do something about it”. So what about me? Well, while Miss Smarty Pants here was busy figuring out what was wrong with everybody else, she forgot to clean up her own doorstep. I wasted many years in misery, focusing on someone else, blaming someone else, feeling sorry for myself, unhappy with myself for the situation I got myself into. All I really needed to do was to “do something about it” not for them, but for me. One fateful night, one simple phone call was all it took, and my whole world changed immediately for the better and I have working to improve things more and more, little by little ever since. If you had asked me if I hated myself during those years, I would have denied it to the hilt. Now I know, if I had really loved me during that time, I would have been able to enjoy the life I have found today, a very long time ago. Thank you for sharing Courtney.
Kris, I applaud you for being so transparent! It isn’t easy girl but as you have probably just discovered….by doing so you just cut fear off at its knees! Bravo! You are not alone. The majority of us feel as though we have wasted years wallowing around in the proverbial pig pen. I choose to look at it as less of a waste and more like my graduate education! Because when the light went off in my head, I graduated with a top notch degree in life and what to do with it. Now, I get to share that with beautiful souls all over the world! And so will you!
What happened is in our tool box but doesn’t define us! xoxo
Kris,
I am nearly brought to tears reading this. What a validation of our connection to one another and our stories being aligned to serve a greater purpose – for nothing is in vain! Your words are so wise and so filled with love and truth that it is overwhelming. I am so moved and so proud of you for coming along side me with this journey to Ignite Our Truth, and I truly believe that you are a jewel among jewel’s! You are absolutely right, that when we find the courage to love ourselves and stop denying who we are …. we become. Finally! I adore you, I love you, and am so so very glad that we have connected in so many ways. You are a true girlfriend … a Real IT (Ignite Truth) girl! 🙂 Love always, Courtney