The Weighted Truth:  6 Days In

A blog journey following me as I go through Pre, Sleeve Surgery, post surgery and beyond.

Someone told me a few weeks before I started this journey that it would get easier after about 3 to 5 days.  Never believe everything people tell you! I’m going into day 6 this morning and I’m hungrier than ever! The shakes are starting to make me gag and the early satisfaction I had with the veggie broth has faded.  I want a damn pizza and some chicken nugs! Okay, rant over.  Whew.  Welcome to my every three or four hours.

The rush of having lost 8 pounds was great, but the thrill of getting through each day is even better.  I’ve been telling myself that I’m not “losing” anything …. I’m giving myself gifts.  The gift of health, joy, freedom, and fun.  I look deep into my spirit and see myself there, just waiting to expose herself.  Before, she was buried.  Now, she’s standing on top of the dirt pile in that deep dark hole and she’s waving to me to drop the ladder.  Ladder dropping commenced!

I thought for sure not drinking and not smoking would be my biggest battles.  The not drinking only bothers me when other people are drinking around me. I’ve been around a few people who have eaten around me but only after they asked me if it was okay, I’m so moved by the support I’m getting! 

About every three to four hours I feel a huge need to pace, leave the situation I’m in, or change my environment.  I start to get antsy, I feel emotional and need to cry, and while I don’t want to be alone I feel like I need too for a bit.  This physical transformation is definitely exposing some soul searching.  

I’m hungry, yes.  I get cranky, uh yep.  I cry every day even for just a few minutes. Yet I am determined.  I’m embracing it all.  It’s like going through a trauma or a crisis or dealing with an issue.  The longer we ignore or redirect thoughts or even deny the emotion, the bigger the pain gets.  It begins like a cut then turns into an infection.  It comes out when I sit and smoke and drink.  Even though I LOVE doing those things and seem totally happy and content, I’m just in avoidance mode.  This journey has exposed those infections.  I’ve figured out the why.

And trust me, the why SUCKS.  It’s a nasty ass weed that has to be yanked from the root and I gotta find gloves sturdy enough to protect me and a huge damn shovel to get it uprooted.  And I will.  

The weed is called BELONGING.  I’m not yet ready to journal about it in depth because I’m right in the core of it, but what I do want to write so that I can look back and go, Damn girl you are a ROCKSTAR is this:  My need to belong to anything outside of me verses to myself must go.  I cannot rely on other people for my joy or to keep me in a comfortable misery.  I need to love myself enough to be free to operate as a whole soul. I need to belong to me.  This will enable me to be able to break free from my ugly need for constant validation, praise, and assurance from others and my expectation of others.

I’m doin it.  I’m pullin’ this damn weed so hard I’m probably gonna fart.