The Weighted Truth:  Day 9

A blog journey following me as I go through Pre, Sleeve Surgery, post surgery and beyond.

Nightmare’s all night.  I’m not sure if I believe that God speaks to us in our dreams or through our dreams but I do know that whatever happened in my head last night was very telling.  I had a dream that I pretended a back surgery I’d had months before still hurt to get attention from people when I felt like I didn’t belong in the group.  I started to act like I was in pain to get people to notice me.  TELLING, RIGHT??????????  OMG.  Do I do that for real?

I woke up and went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror.  Do you play that game, Courtney?  I suddenly realized that yes.  Yes, I do.  I think the part of me that is vulnerable who shares everything with everyone (uh, I’m doing it now), is a gift in some way.  I love reaching out to others, sharing, hearing their journey and their struggle so that we can team up and encourage one another.  I listen to others through my story.  However, I also tell my story sometimes for the attention of it.  Am I good enough?  Can you validate me please?  YUCK.

The saying goes that insanity is when you do something over and over again expecting different results.  Well, it’s time I nixed that now and did something different.  I’m not going to stop my blog because I really do feel like anyone else dealing with weight loss or deciding to have weight loss surgery might glean some hope or some insight and even if I can reach one person to connect to on a level of awakening and adventure … I think it’s a positive thing.  What I won’t do anymore is inject myself into conversations that go like, “Well yeah, I was …. ” or, “Oh yeah, I did ….”  I’m not going to blab my history or my story if I don’t see that it will produce a positive result.  I’ll double check myself.  Am I about to say this because I need to feel included or because I need this person (or people) to make me feel good enough?  That act is over.

This weight loss journey definitely isn’t just about the food.  Click here to read more of Day 9 Part 2.