The Weighted Truth:  The Days Before Weight Loss Surgery

I fell behind on my journaling!  The most awesome thing happened on day 11 (Friday).  I was excited to go to work, I love the busy of a great day feeling productive.  But today was different.  I got to work, opened up the shop and did my daily morning duties and that’s when I noticed it.  The candy.  I mean THE CANDY.  Like, tons of it.  Ignore Courtney, ignore.  An hour goes by and my ignoring is getting more and more difficult when my boss, Leah, comes in.  With MORE candy.  Pop, beef jerky, chocolate up the wazoo.  “I need you to do two candy baskets today,” She says casually.  In the back of my head I’m thinking, “She KNOWS this girl hasn’t eaten in two damn weeks!”  Secondly, I don’t KNOW HOW to do a candy basket!  She tells me to google it.  So yeah, there’s me on day 11 with no food and I’m making two gigantic candy baskets on an empty stomach.  I had to just laugh.  In fact, I was cracking up after she left as I attempted to youtube my job.  Two hours later I had a candy basket done and hadn’t eaten a single piece of that devil food.

I’m skipping ahead to today.  My day before my weight loss surgery.  It’s early in the morning, and I’ve got my cup of decaf coffee, and I’m kind of buzzing with nerves and excitement all rolled into one.  I did the liquid diet for two weeks and that makes me really proud of myself.  I’m not sure how much weight I’ve lost because I haven’t gone back to the doctor to weigh myself and up until post surgery I refuse to have a scale.  (Going to buy one today)  I took my before picture.  It’s happening.  In less than 24 hours I’ll have half a stomach.

I definitely feel that I’ve done the work.  Not just the not eating part.  The spiritual, emotional work.  Discovering “why” I let myself get to where I was and how I can turn the tables and not repeat the same behaviors again is hard work.  But I feel I’ve done it.  I struggled with attention seeking behavior.  I struggled with not feeling like I belonged.  Those things hurt.  They’re ugly.  But I think the most important thing for me to do from here on out is to love myself.  All of me.  I’m doing this surgery tomorrow and I don’t believe it’s like I’ll wake up from it a changed person – I know I’ve done the work and already am a changed person.  This surgery is simply a tool to help me to continue to live my best life.  I am a little scared.  But I’m not going to attention seek it. 🙂

Love you all ….. see ya on the flippity flip!