The Weighted Truth:  The first 5 days …

A blog journey following me as I go through Pre, Sleeve Surgery, post surgery and beyond.

I knew, 45 pounds ago, that it was time for me to make some monster changes.  I signed up for weight loss therapy, tried walking, followed all the rules for six months.  I lost a whopping 4 pounds.  This was serious.  As I approached 300 pounds I knew I had to go drastic.  So, I did some research and found Dr. Glasscock in Waverly and James and I went to his seminar later that month.  I loved what I heard, though it was logical as he spoke it, something settled within me.  I’d been trying to “do” weight loss but I didn’t do me.  I was still focused on the shame and the guilt.  I was still self sabotaging.  I was still making excuses and justifications.  After another eight months of nutritional therapy and visits with my Dr., I was approved for the Sleeve surgery.  August 31st.   On August 16th I gave everything up.  I had my last drink and my last meal and truly knew I was forever more a non smoker.  I had a ceremony with several friends who stood to support me through the moment of letting go.  I had my husband James with me, my son Brandin, and on Facetime I had Sam.  Around ten that evening …. I laid it all down.

I laid down the physical addictions I had because I knew they were stunting me spiritually and physically.  My mental game was a joke.  I was the talk the talk but not the walk the walk woman.  I KNEW I needed to lose weight – but blaming the food and alcohol wasn’t going to get me to where I honestly needed to be and that was awakened.  Awake to my true feelings, thoughts, decisions, motivations, and the reasons and intentions I had developed through the years of living in denial and avoidance.  Yep.  This was not putting food in my mouth sure … but it was a hell of a lot more than that.  I cried myself to sleep that first night.

Day 1 I refused to get up.  I took Melatonin and stayed in bed.  I was scared out of my ever loving mind.  The voices in my head were loud, screaming at me that I was going to fail and who was I to think I could ever do something like this?  I drowned them out with sleep.  

Day 2 I went to work.  I honestly don’t even remember it.  I was in a haze of hunger and detox.  I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  I slept until I had to be there at 10 am and I got immediately into bed when I got home at 3 pm.  I forced myself to get up around 5 to drink a protein shake.  Oh …. The shake.  Let’s talk about chalk that’s supposed to be good for you.  What is this crap???  Well, down the hatch.  Sleep.  

Day 3  I stayed home and got someone to cover me.  I needed to spend some time really digging deep.  Sure, the sleep was keeping me from the agony of withdrawal but I knew I needed to get in the game or the game was gonna get me.  Day 3 I finally opened up my journal, read some Brene’ Brown, and listened to some amazing music that filled my soul.  I cried through it all.  There’s something about letting go of what’s comfortable and going into the unknown that scares the shit out of me.  I don’t know how to be healthy, I don’t know how to hang out with my friends and family without drinking.  I don’t know how to not drink alone because I’m bored.  Man, I was bored a lot.  Lazy.  That’s the better word.  Why am I so lazy?  The list goes on and on.  This fast is surfacing a lot of issues.  I hate dealing with issues.  I cry myself to sleep again.

Day 4 I woke up feeling a little better – starving mind you – but a little lighter for some reason.  I had my shake and went to work and actually enjoyed working!  I was busy but not stressed and had a wonderful day making flower arrangements and before I even knew it the clock said 3pm.  I came home so happy!  That lasted a hot minute.  When the door closed and I was all alone … the demons came to call.  What are you going to do now?  You should just have a drink.  One drink.  Just run up to the Kwik Star – grab a burger, no one will know.  What else are you gonna do?  Sit here?  …………………….. Yep.  Sit in it.  Back to my journal.  Back to my mantras.  Back to my meditation.  I sat with it all.  Not in the “poor me” way …. Been there done that far too much, but in the “I am present.  I am aware.  I honor myself.  I embrace my inner beauty.  I’m not sacrificing, I’m renewing.”  I went to bed with hunger pains but with a slight smile.  I had accomplished another day but I’d also not ran from myself in the process.

Day 5 James stayed home from work so that he could take me to my final pre-op appointment with Dr. Glasscock.  We got there at 9 am and left just after noon.  It was thorough.  I’m still not relaxed yet because my blood work has to pass final inspection but I do know I’m one step and one day closer to choosing myself. The good news was that I’ve lost almost 10 pounds in a week so it’s working.  However, it’s not the scale I care about…. It’s the sex life I get to have.  Oh wait, did I write that out-loud?  Oh well.  I got to see Catalina afterwards and the first thing she asked me was, “Can you run with me now?”  I nearly broke.  I looked into my precious grand baby’s eyes and smiled, “Not yet .. soon.”  I refuse to allow this physical pain to trump my mental and spiritual needs.  Instead of going home afterwards, James and I went and took the ATV for a spin together.  I am falling in love with our falling in love all over again.  The me that I am is ready to break free.