The Weighted Truth: The first 5 days …
A blog journey following me as I go through Pre, Sleeve Surgery, post surgery and beyond.
I knew, 45 pounds ago, that it was time for me to make some monster changes. I signed up for weight loss therapy, tried walking, followed all the rules for six months. I lost a whopping 4 pounds. This was serious. As I approached 300 pounds I knew I had to go drastic. So, I did some research and found Dr. Glasscock in Waverly and James and I went to his seminar later that month. I loved what I heard, though it was logical as he spoke it, something settled within me. I’d been trying to “do” weight loss but I didn’t do me. I was still focused on the shame and the guilt. I was still self sabotaging. I was still making excuses and justifications. After another eight months of nutritional therapy and visits with my Dr., I was approved for the Sleeve surgery. August 31st. On August 16th I gave everything up. I had my last drink and my last meal and truly knew I was forever more a non smoker. I had a ceremony with several friends who stood to support me through the moment of letting go. I had my husband James with me, my son Brandin, and on Facetime I had Sam. Around ten that evening …. I laid it all down.
I laid down the physical addictions I had because I knew they were stunting me spiritually and physically. My mental game was a joke. I was the talk the talk but not the walk the walk woman. I KNEW I needed to lose weight – but blaming the food and alcohol wasn’t going to get me to where I honestly needed to be and that was awakened. Awake to my true feelings, thoughts, decisions, motivations, and the reasons and intentions I had developed through the years of living in denial and avoidance. Yep. This was not putting food in my mouth sure … but it was a hell of a lot more than that. I cried myself to sleep that first night.
Day 1 I refused to get up. I took Melatonin and stayed in bed. I was scared out of my ever loving mind. The voices in my head were loud, screaming at me that I was going to fail and who was I to think I could ever do something like this? I drowned them out with sleep.
Day 2 I went to work. I honestly don’t even remember it. I was in a haze of hunger and detox. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I slept until I had to be there at 10 am and I got immediately into bed when I got home at 3 pm. I forced myself to get up around 5 to drink a protein shake. Oh …. The shake. Let’s talk about chalk that’s supposed to be good for you. What is this crap??? Well, down the hatch. Sleep.
Day 3 I stayed home and got someone to cover me. I needed to spend some time really digging deep. Sure, the sleep was keeping me from the agony of withdrawal but I knew I needed to get in the game or the game was gonna get me. Day 3 I finally opened up my journal, read some Brene’ Brown, and listened to some amazing music that filled my soul. I cried through it all. There’s something about letting go of what’s comfortable and going into the unknown that scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to be healthy, I don’t know how to hang out with my friends and family without drinking. I don’t know how to not drink alone because I’m bored. Man, I was bored a lot. Lazy. That’s the better word. Why am I so lazy? The list goes on and on. This fast is surfacing a lot of issues. I hate dealing with issues. I cry myself to sleep again.
Day 4 I woke up feeling a little better – starving mind you – but a little lighter for some reason. I had my shake and went to work and actually enjoyed working! I was busy but not stressed and had a wonderful day making flower arrangements and before I even knew it the clock said 3pm. I came home so happy! That lasted a hot minute. When the door closed and I was all alone … the demons came to call. What are you going to do now? You should just have a drink. One drink. Just run up to the Kwik Star – grab a burger, no one will know. What else are you gonna do? Sit here? …………………….. Yep. Sit in it. Back to my journal. Back to my mantras. Back to my meditation. I sat with it all. Not in the “poor me” way …. Been there done that far too much, but in the “I am present. I am aware. I honor myself. I embrace my inner beauty. I’m not sacrificing, I’m renewing.” I went to bed with hunger pains but with a slight smile. I had accomplished another day but I’d also not ran from myself in the process.
Day 5 James stayed home from work so that he could take me to my final pre-op appointment with Dr. Glasscock. We got there at 9 am and left just after noon. It was thorough. I’m still not relaxed yet because my blood work has to pass final inspection but I do know I’m one step and one day closer to choosing myself. The good news was that I’ve lost almost 10 pounds in a week so it’s working. However, it’s not the scale I care about…. It’s the sex life I get to have. Oh wait, did I write that out-loud? Oh well. I got to see Catalina afterwards and the first thing she asked me was, “Can you run with me now?” I nearly broke. I looked into my precious grand baby’s eyes and smiled, “Not yet .. soon.” I refuse to allow this physical pain to trump my mental and spiritual needs. Instead of going home afterwards, James and I went and took the ATV for a spin together. I am falling in love with our falling in love all over again. The me that I am is ready to break free.